This compliment almost made me cry. Which is fitting, because my tears look like breasts.

This episode of Tough Love Couples starts with Axelle and Ryan disappearing while the others go to BBQ.

Why do they separate themselves? “I didn’t come here to make friends,” Ryan says. Impressive! This may be the first time I’ve heard anyone say “I’m not here to make friends” on a non-competitive reality show. And since the show is about relationships, you could argue that you are specifically here to make friends.

This week’s lesson is about keeping the spark alive. The key to keeping the spark alive is right here:

… E.S.P. Their imagination. So Steve sends them to a sex shop. I tried to use my imagination to figure out what this is for:

…and my imagination collapsed in on itself, like a black hole. Fitting.

Some of the couples are “very familiar” with sex shops, like Mario and Christina. “Let’s spice it up tonight” says Christina.

Can you imagine the entire house having sex tonight? It word sorta turn this into Tough Love Swingers. Which would be an amazing idea for a spin-off.

Some couples are less familiar with their neighborhood sex shop. Courtney says, “Sex for me is just kind of uncomfortable and a little embarrassing for me.” And Danielle seems puzzled as to why anyone would use this stuff.

Equipment picked out, the couples go back to the house to show each other what they bought. Mario is asked to guess what Christina got — and he says dildo. This may be the third time he’s mentioned dildos so far. She didn’t get a dildo. But it’s kind of obvious what he wanted her to get.

Christina is excited because they’ve talked about getting the sex swing before and they never have. Be excited! The cheapest one on Amazon is about a hundred bucks. Now they won’t have to touch their sex toy budget for at least a month.

Mario is asked to compliment Christina and he comes up with: “I love the way you touch me — when you touch me” and, my fav: “I told you like, your breasts, like, look like teardrops which is beautiful to me. And they’re ample, and, um, delicious.”

Now for Courtney, she gets a tiny tiny vibrator, a fitting symbol of how she views her sex life.

Her partner Dustin gets her a way-more-intense harness. Which gets this reaction:

So JoAnn asks if Courtney’s ever had an orgasm. No. “It’s her own damn fault,” Dustin interviews. I predict the hot seat for these too.

What did Ryan pick up? “2010 nipple clamps.” Were 2009’s nipple clamps out of stock, or just out of style? This is not explained.

Pawel pretty much buys everything he could fit in a free gift bag: candles, lotion, Kama Sutra book.

Danielle, however, isn’t comfortable with anything in the bag. So maybe they’ve got a hot seat waiting for them as well.

Steve encourages then to experiment sexually, and Mario’s the most enthusiastic.

This is maybe not what Steve meant.

Ryan suggests a lingerie party with all the couples (seriously, isn’t this usually the icebreaker at swingers parties?), and adventurous Mario goes for a sock over his penis and a bat cape.

This is maybe not what Ryan meant. Be careful what you ask for.

Later the couples have a little game of truth, but Dustin starts to pick on Courtney again for all their bedroom troubles. Worth thinking about here: If Courtney doesn’t really enjoy sex, but she’s cheated on Dustin before, then it may have been for the emotional connection. Which is way, way harder to get over. I predict a breakup by the end of the episode.

“If this doesn’t change…I  have all these other girls who would willingly have amazing sex with me,” Dustin interviews. Yup. He should go home, alone.

The second part of this week’s lesson in good sex is fantasy.

Axelle’s fantasy? No body hair on Ryan. Dennis only has to put in a pair of green contacts, and Ryan’s going to have to hit the waxer. I could have guessed that Axelle’s fantasy would involve a lot of pain.

And embarrassment via shoe lifts.

Here’s Dustin’s wish list for Courtney:

Here’s mine:

– Don’t be such a jerk
– Don’t be such a jerk
– Don’t be such a jerk

Seriously, instead of one thing (hers is a tanner Dustin), he has a whole list of fantasies that really read like a list of snippy complaints.

The couples reunite post makeover. Mario says Christina looks sexy, but doesn’t stop there:  “Your parents must have had a chicken farm, because you sure know how to raise a c***. ” So Steve says he has a problem complimenting Christina like she’s a lady. But after seeing Dustin and Courtney and Pawel and Danielle together, I think a dirty compliment’s better than nothing.

Again, good sex life:

Bad/no sex life:

Maybe Pawel didn’t like Danielle’s fantasy makeover, but Dustin liked Courtney’s makeover so much that it became obvious that he prefers this to his real-life girlfriend.

Later Dustin finds a suspicious text message on Courtney’s phone and yells at her over it.

Not a good omen heading into group:

Mario and Christina go from being the worst couple the first week, to being the best couple this week. Steve commends Mario for trying to talk to Christina like a gentleman.

Next is Pawel and Danielle. Danielle confesses that she feels average at best. Low self-esteem makes Steve angry (as do most things):

But then he moves to the person really responsible, Pawel. Turns out Pawel has a nickname for Danielle, Dumbo. Hold your judgments though: Pawel said he didn’t know one of her ears was bigger than the other when he started calling her that. Not his fault for being a psychic genius! So this goes from a Steve shaming to a group shaming:

But the hot seat belongs to Courtney and Dustin, of course. Steve starts going through their cell phones and finds a ton of girls in Dustin’s phones.

Steve: Are you being honest?
Dustin: Kinda.

Not the right answer. In Dustin’s address book Steve finds a girl under the name “Memphis Brunette” that Dustin slept with (he really takes his brunette obsession seriously, this guy). And so Steve yells at Dustin, who seems removed from the group, as if he’s blocking out Steve.

Steve has to do something serious. How serious — or rather, how much more serious, since Steve is already dead serious 90 percent of the time? He decides that they are breaking up (called it!) and moving into separate rooms. And they can’t participate in couples activities as a couple anymore.

Look at this miserable couch situation:

They aren’t even allowed to sit by each other. Steve may even set them up on dates with other people. So, question: Is this still Tough Love Couples if you leave in a different couple than you arrived in?

Related content
Tough Love Couples cast reveal
Tough Love Couples show page
Tough Love Couples videos and extras
Master Matchmakers
Check out Steve and JoAnn Ward’s Book, Crash Course in Love

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