For The Love Of Ray J 2 Recap – Episode 1 – For + 2 = Sex?

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Season 2 is upon us!

Boom!

(You might want to take your shoe off for this.)

We begin this next installment in the For the Love of Ray J saga with unparalleled graveness…

“I’m always on the road, I’m always busy, I’m always traveling,” he tells us. Except, of course, for when he’s doing his reality show. He doesn’t tell us this, but we already know. It is, after all, why we are here.

We flashback to last season, when he chose Cocktail as the girl who was most there for the love of Ray J or whatever.

“It didn’t work out,” says Ray on the reality romance. That’s vague, but plausible. He goes on: “She was the best girl in the house, but she wasn’t the best girl for me…so I’m doing it again!” This time, it’s serious. Ray is not looking for his rock of like, people.

We see a group of girls being bused to the house of loving and drinking and I’m-not-here-to-make-friendsing that, with any luck and a whole lot of acting out, they’ll reside at for the next month or so. A girl who we’ll soon know fondly as “Paradeez” (not to be confused with “parakeet”), balks at other girls who label themselves 10’s or 7’s or 8’s or whatever.

“I’m a frickin’ million and 20,000,” she counters. Frickin’ A. Of course, it would suck if there were a girl in the house who’s a frickin’ 1,020,001, but what are the chances of that?

Another girl, with the to-be unfortunate name of Fettuccini announces:

That’s a great idea. Did she also bring her reel of music-video work and/or past reality TV appearances? How about her marriage license? That’s the best way to endear yourself to the other girls on VH1, as well as whomever’s love your competing for. Guaranteed!

Fettuccini interviews, “I attract celebrities when I go out. I can’t help it!”

She acts like that’s an apple to polish when, as we’ll come to find out, it is in fact a scarlet letter. I can see the confusion given that both are red and delicious.

The girls arrive at the love/hate shack. (It is actually a gorgeous mansion.) They are greeted by Lil’ B, Ray J’s godsister and, uh, platonic love assistant, if you want to get technical about it.

“She’s so cute, and I want her shirt,” says a young lady we’ll come to know as Heartbreaker. That’s about as much character development that we’ll get on either side. I’m not hating, just pointing out what I have to work with.

The obligatory first-episode mad dash through the house ensues with the girls elbowing each other to get their beds. Notable is an argument that breaks out between two women we’ll come to know as Exotica and Extra:

Extra sits on the bottom bunk, but then Exotica comes along and decides that doesn’t matter. That bed is hers. Extra is understandably miffed at the entitlement…

I love that they’re fighting for the bottom, like they’re two dudes on Queer as Folk or something. Appropriately, Exotica does some kind of vogue-y sort of display, reiterating that she will be on the bottom, and Extra will be on top. As she sashays away, Extra warns her:

“I will take off my shoe.” I don’t know what that means, but it sounds a hell of a lot more serious than removing your earrings and smearing your face with Vaseline. S*** just got real.

And then, as if Extra couldn’t be more of a presence, we see her and Flossy talking in the kitchen about being 21. They both are. Adorable. Mz. Berry, who just interviewed that she’s 32, comes up waving her hands, saying that it’s hot. Uh, you’re 32. That isn’t the temperature, that’s a hot flash.

(I kid: I’m 31 next week and, fingers crossed, nowhere near menopause. Menopenis, maybe?)

Somehow, Mz. Berry notes that she is older than 21, but won’t tell Extra and Flossy by exactly how much. Extra helpfully proclaims, “At least you don’t look old!”

And indeed, I truly believe that Extra is here to help.

The girls drink and mingle and the topic of discussion turns to Fettuccini’s dating history. He’s Extra’s recreation of her reaction to finding out that Fettuccni dated Tyson:

She acts like Fettuccini was dating a Tyson Chicken Strip. She does realize that we’re talking about a supermodel here, right?

Whatever, who cares, the conversation goes on:

Yes, Fettuccini is a gold-digging extrovert among shrinking violets. That must be it.

There is not much time to ponder this point as Ray soon arrives. Exotica, who is from Cape Verde but seems more Martian than anything, has, of course, the best reaction to Ray’s appearance: “Yummy yummy!” And with any luck: in her tummy.

Fettuccini, meanwhile, interviews that Ray is shorter than she expected. Fettuccini is, in a word, difficult.

Speaking of things in tummies (perhaps one of them being fettuccini), Ray has the girls sit down for dinner/naming around a table much like the one they sat around for this same exercise in the first episode of the first season.

As they take their seats, Ray tells them, “I feel like Barack Obama: yes we can!” They should turn the White House into a harem, so that Ray J could really feel like Obama.

For the sake of getting it all out there, Ray announces that he feels like Cocktail is a great person and she’s still his homegirl, but she wasn’t the best girl for him. Wow, someone saying something flattering about a person they used to date on VH1? Seriously? Ray, are you sure you didn’t make a wrong turn somewhere on the way to the Hallmark Channel?

The naming ceremony begins. To explain this, Ray practically squeals, “I gave ‘em nicknames…again!” There is something that is soooo Home Alone 2 about the cheeky acknowledgment of his repetition. Ray is nothing if not comically knowing.

First up is a stunner…

She is so named because, according to Ray, “She just looks like a piece of Bubblicious bubble gum, you just want to chew it all day.” First of all, you don’t want to chew Bubblicious all day, because it loses its flavor in about three minutes. You’re better off chewing toilet paper. (Just make sure it isn’t bleachy.) Second of all, he said that she looks like a piece of gum. Whether fresh out the wrapper or ABC, that’s not a flattering comparison. Luscious deserves better.

Ray tries to name Gifts “Jingle Bells” after her breasts. Gifts wisely deflects.

At first, when Ray busted out this one, I wondered, “Is he a fan of Atom Egoyan?” And then when when Extra pointed out that it’s a stripper name, I knew she was. Felicia’s Journey sucked, huh, Extra?

Diego is so named because she’s a big Chargers fan. Fun fact?

Popper is named this not because she enjoys amyl nitrate (I frankly don’t know how she feels about it), but because she’s into break dancing. Popping and locking, if you will.

Heartbreaker is named because of what the lap region of her dress says:

It’s nice that Ray didn’t get all abstract and name her “Nutcracker” or anything like that. I hate when he gets abstract!

Exotica thinks this is a good name for her, because she is “extra ugly, extra horrible, extra ghetto.” Whatever the case may be, I think we can all agree that Extra and Exotica are extraordinary.

After she is so named, we see Caliente in an interview, explaining in English just slightly more discernible than that of Charo, “When he say caliente, but in the Spanish, it’s like, uh, ‘Do you want sex all the time?’” She laughs as she says this, so what I mostly glean from it is that it’s a good thing.

When it’s the next woman’s turn to be named, she begins gently humping the table.

This seems completely reasonable. And so she is named Trouble.

That’s a beautiful origin story if ever there were.

Speaking of, Ray J considers naming the next girl “Paradise.” She counters his suggestion with, “Pair-a-deez”…

And Ray heard that and it was good.

I wonder if her second choice was Objecteefimee?

The next woman is clearly inebriated.

She’s so drunk that she doesn’t realize that her hair is saying more than words ever could, and so she pipes up with, “I’m tipsy, OK?” And indeed…

…that is what she is.

Fettuccini doesn’t like her name. Of course she doesn’t. The sky is blue, semolina is yellow, Fettuccini has a problem: these are things we can bes ure of. Jaguar says, “More like fat-accinni!” That’s more inventive than at least half of the names just given out. Someone get this genius a spin-off!

Now that everyone can be referred to in the most ridiculous manner possible, it’s time to bond with them. Ray talks one-on-one to Caliente first.

Caliente is barely intelligible. She does something or other for Playboy, which involves bolypeenteen. “Bolypeenteen” ends up, after it’s repeated a few hundred times, meaning body painting. Ray spends most of their time talking like this:

But whatever, Caliente’s English is at least better than my Spanish. No hating here. “I wonder he see that I really try,” Caliente interviews. Oh, we all see you trying, baby. The funny thing is that Caliente’s grasp on English is not turned into a running gag as it would be in virtually any other 51 Minds production, because this show is waaaay to classy for phonetic subtitles.

Ray then hangs with Extra and Lava. “You know what relaxes me?” asks Extra. She then answers herself: “Dancing.” This is what she means:

Ah yes, the oh so relaxing practice of lap-dancing. Don’t they use lap-dancing as a way to cure social anxiety? You can get a lap dog, you can do a lap dance. Either way, you will find serenity.

Extra can also do splits…

…which I think means that any second now, she’s going to express her desire for a glass of chardonnay and to get in the coo-coo-zi.

Just Right and Mz Berry are both mothers. Mz Berry has a 14-year-old son, and her daughter is 9. Just Right’s son is 9, and her daughter is 12. In fact, this first day of shooting is her daughter’s birthday. So this is a multi-occasion celebration. Nice.

Mz Berry says that her divorce was finalized the day before she got to the show. Things are just growing more serendipitous by the moment. Quick, someone ovulate if you still can! Anyway, the point is that Ray is fine with single moms who are on the grown-and-sexy tip. He says he’s dated women who were, “43, 45.” Dated and made feel like a million dollar bill, no doubt.

Diego pulls Ray aside like she has something major to speak with him about…

…and then promptly asks him to run down his Top 5 R&B artists of all time. Diego must write for Blunder magazine. I can’t think of a bigger boner killer than music criticism, and this is coming from someone who writes music criticism often! Ray begrudgingly goes down his list: Stevie, Michael, Whitney (you know she wouldn’t think twice about smacking him upside the head if he didn’t mention her), Luther and Ray Charles. Diego is clearly just waiting for him to finish so she can rattle off her list, which includes artists that shouldn’t be in the same paragraph as the words “all time” like Donell Jones, Musiq Soulchild and India.Arie. Diego’s really young. At least she doesn’t have to worry about hot flashes.

Exotica says, “It’s gonna be hard for you, ’cause we all pretty. So what are you looking for?” She sounds disgusted, but she is in fact, just foreign. As we watch Ray and Flossy canoodle…

…we hear Jaguar interview that she’s getting sick of these girls throwing themselves at Ray “’cause it’s not me to, like, fight for a guy.” What a wonderful idea, then, to sign up for a fighting show. Oops, I mean dating show. Oopsies backsies: I mean both.

The gorgeous Luscious informs Ray that she’s been celibate for eight months, which he seems to take exception to. Whatever.

Adorable and Popper tell Ray about Fettuccini and her dating history. Fettuccini, in turn, interviews that people are accusing her of being a “celebrity basher.” Oh, on the contrary, you disagreeable plate of quick energy. Ray pulls Fettuccini aside, and she interviews that she thought he was starting a fight. Fettuccini thinks people who take their time blinking are starting a fight.

“Who have you dated?” asks Ray. “We all have a past!” answers Fettuccini. Oh, so she’s unspecific now? There’s a new angle for ya. “If they have nothing better to do than talk about my past, I feel bad for them,” she adds. They’re on a reality show — talking about your past is literally a pastime. It’s not like they can read the volumes of Proust they brought with them. Production confiscates those before the girls enter the house.

Meanwhile…

…Tipsy is drunk as hell. “I’m tipsy but I’m not drunk and everybody’s drunk and tipsy,” she tells Ray. All of these girls are so helpful, it’s arguable that this show is for the love of outreach, mostly.

And speaking of things that are out, three girls are about to be for elimination soon arrives.

Caliente is called first, which is kind of surprising to me, but what the hell do I know?

She interviews, “He’s my chocolate candy!” Funny how her accent sugarcoats what might otherwise be…questionable. Anyway, the call-out order (or at least, the way it’s edited) is, as follows: Jaguar, Mz Berry, Extra, Paradeez, Adorable, Exotica, Platinum, Heartbreaker, Flossy, Popper, Just Right, Trouble and Lava. There’s one glass of champagne left, four girls: Tipsy, Fettuccini, Diego and Luscious. Tipsy is sexy as hell, but she seems to be more into drinking than Ray J. “I can’t give you this glass,” he tells her, probably for fear that she’ll fall in love with it.

See ya, Tips.

Then it’s down to three:

Diego will also be going home for being such a music nerd. He says he has no connection with her.

“I really would have been that girl to make your album sales go up. I know good music,” she says. “I would easily got his music charts up.” That’s not even how it works. Music charts aren’t his. They’re everyone’s.

It comes down to Luscious and Fettuccini, and really? That’s the suspense they’re giving us? That’s like choosing between a massage and a headache. The only discernible problem with Luscious is that she’s celibate. When Ray reveals this, we see Extra interviewing, “Excuse me, she’s what?” Celibate, Extra. It’s understandable if you haven’t heard of it, though. It’s definitely a new concept for VH1. Meanwhile, Fettuccini is a contrarian celebrity-smasher. Ray questions her and she says, “I’m here for m-you.” Exactly what we suspected. She’s leaving, Luscious is staying. “I feel like being celibate is a good trait for a woman trying to settle down and be in a relationship,” explains Ray. No. Doy.

Ray calls Fettuccini up. I guess he wanted to hug her?

Midway, she says, “I can’t, I’m sorry,” and then scurries from the room in a series of sobs.

We don’t see an outside exit interview with her. Weird, she seemed so easy-going. I can’t imagine her refusing to do it! We do get some final interview footage, though, in which she assures us, “There’s another one waiting.” Well, you know what they say: there’s some celebrity for everyone! That’s worth drinking to: